Friday, February 24, 2006
How did things go so wrong?
It’s a sweltering summer evening in Coleman, Texas, some 53 miles from Abilene. A couple sits with the wife’s parents out on the porch of their home, moving little.
They are companionably sipping lemonade, and playing a slow game of dominoes. The conversation is sporadic and comfortable, seeming to float slowly over the single fan that struggles to mitigate the104 temperature.
Now, let me tell you. This is a fictional parable, set in 1974, created by a professor.
Yet what happens next, in this little story has inspired countless articles, scientific papers and discussions and continues to capture the interest of people today.
It’s brought up in boardrooms, classrooms, team training, marital counseling and even firefighting http://www.deervalleypress.com/abeline.cfm – and it may help you enjoy the rest of your summer, with your family and friends.
Here’s what happened.
The wife’s father suggests they drive over to Abilene to eat at a cafeteria they have been to before. The wife says, "Sounds like a great idea." Although he has reservations because the drive is long and hot, thinking that his preferences must be out-of-step with the group the husband responds, "Sounds good to me. I just hope your mother wants to go." The mother-in-law then says, "Of course I want to go. I haven't been to Abilene in a long time."
The drive is hot, dusty, and long. When they arrive at the cafeteria, the food is as bad. They arrive back home four hours later, exhausted.
Not meanng it, but to be polite, the wife announces, "It was a great trip, wasn't it?"
After a short pause, the mother-in-law answers that, actually, she would rather have stayed home, but went along since the other three were so enthusiastic.
The husband responds, "I wasn't delighted to be doing what we were doing. I only went to satisfy the rest of you."
The wife then says, "I just went along to keep you happy. I would have had to be crazy to want to go out in the heat like that."
The father-in-law then says that he only suggested it because he thought the others were bored.
The group sits back, perplexed that they together decided to take a trip which none of them wanted. They each would have preferred to sit comfortably, but did not admit to it when they still had time to enjoy the afternoon.
This is called The Abilene Paradox
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0787902772/103-6111212-3967058?v=glance
In social psychology this behavior is explained as “social conformity,” our desire to stick with what we think the rest of the group wants, something we discern through indirect cues we think we observe. It is also called groupthink
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Groupthink> that can lead to poor decisions, or worse yet, bullying behavior
http://www.bullyinginstitute.org/home/twd/bb/bbstudies/abilene.html
The creator of this parable, Jerry Harvey, used it to describe how individuals act to mistakenly believe they have reached agreement and actually speak against their own desires. He thinks this behavior happens because our fear of being left out, separated or shunned.
We also tend to believe that any decision or action is better than no action at all.
The exception proves the rule. Some groups act the opposite, such as the Thousand Oaks City Council here in California that’s been openly bickering for years http://www.latimes.com/news/local/ventura/la-me-oaksgoals21
If you’d like to avoid these extremes, here’s some ways you can
help your group make decisions that feel better for everyone:
1. When you act and speak in a genial way, most people will feel comfortable:
- hearing what you have to say, and
- being honest in their reactions
- even disagreeing, rather than going along with something they do not want to do.
-
- Sounds obvious, but making this a practice can demonstrate to you that people will react positively to the obvious attempt at good will
2. Unless you feel strongly about something, offer a suggestion for “us” rather than making flat “I” statements. Say, for example, “What if we…?” rather than “I want to…”
3. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Be: honest and clear about:
- the intensity of your feelings,
- the action you suggest, and
- the reason for it.
For example, if you feel strongly that the committee should rotate leadership of meetings, then you might say, “To share the work and to get to know each other better, what if we took turns leading the meetings?
Of course I’d enjoy hearing other suggestions from you about how we might make our new team work as positively, and productively as possible when we get together.”
Remember America's national motto for guidance, E pluribus unum: From many voices, one better decision.
Learn How to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable http://sayitbetter.com/store/merchant.mv?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=HTD&Category_Code=T2F
or to negotiate http://sayitbetter.com/store/merchant.mv?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=HTD&Category_Code=T2F
or to make meetings work better http://sayitbetter.com/store/merchant.mv?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=HTM&Category_Code=T2F
or to be heard, like and supported
http://sayitbetter.com/store/merchant.mv?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=LE&Category_Code=KP
Also peruse these articles on conflict resolution http://www.sayitbetter.com/articles.html#conflict_resolution.
and on connecting with others http://www.sayitbetter.com/articles.html#connecting
They are companionably sipping lemonade, and playing a slow game of dominoes. The conversation is sporadic and comfortable, seeming to float slowly over the single fan that struggles to mitigate the104 temperature.
Now, let me tell you. This is a fictional parable, set in 1974, created by a professor.
Yet what happens next, in this little story has inspired countless articles, scientific papers and discussions and continues to capture the interest of people today.
It’s brought up in boardrooms, classrooms, team training, marital counseling and even firefighting http://www.deervalleypress.com/abeline.cfm – and it may help you enjoy the rest of your summer, with your family and friends.
Here’s what happened.
The wife’s father suggests they drive over to Abilene to eat at a cafeteria they have been to before. The wife says, "Sounds like a great idea." Although he has reservations because the drive is long and hot, thinking that his preferences must be out-of-step with the group the husband responds, "Sounds good to me. I just hope your mother wants to go." The mother-in-law then says, "Of course I want to go. I haven't been to Abilene in a long time."
The drive is hot, dusty, and long. When they arrive at the cafeteria, the food is as bad. They arrive back home four hours later, exhausted.
Not meanng it, but to be polite, the wife announces, "It was a great trip, wasn't it?"
After a short pause, the mother-in-law answers that, actually, she would rather have stayed home, but went along since the other three were so enthusiastic.
The husband responds, "I wasn't delighted to be doing what we were doing. I only went to satisfy the rest of you."
The wife then says, "I just went along to keep you happy. I would have had to be crazy to want to go out in the heat like that."
The father-in-law then says that he only suggested it because he thought the others were bored.
The group sits back, perplexed that they together decided to take a trip which none of them wanted. They each would have preferred to sit comfortably, but did not admit to it when they still had time to enjoy the afternoon.
This is called The Abilene Paradox
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0787902772/103-6111212-3967058?v=glance
In social psychology this behavior is explained as “social conformity,” our desire to stick with what we think the rest of the group wants, something we discern through indirect cues we think we observe. It is also called groupthink
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Groupthink> that can lead to poor decisions, or worse yet, bullying behavior
http://www.bullyinginstitute.org/home/twd/bb/bbstudies/abilene.html
The creator of this parable, Jerry Harvey, used it to describe how individuals act to mistakenly believe they have reached agreement and actually speak against their own desires. He thinks this behavior happens because our fear of being left out, separated or shunned.
We also tend to believe that any decision or action is better than no action at all.
The exception proves the rule. Some groups act the opposite, such as the Thousand Oaks City Council here in California that’s been openly bickering for years http://www.latimes.com/news/local/ventura/la-me-oaksgoals21
If you’d like to avoid these extremes, here’s some ways you can
help your group make decisions that feel better for everyone:
1. When you act and speak in a genial way, most people will feel comfortable:
- hearing what you have to say, and
- being honest in their reactions
- even disagreeing, rather than going along with something they do not want to do.
-
- Sounds obvious, but making this a practice can demonstrate to you that people will react positively to the obvious attempt at good will
2. Unless you feel strongly about something, offer a suggestion for “us” rather than making flat “I” statements. Say, for example, “What if we…?” rather than “I want to…”
3. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Be: honest and clear about:
- the intensity of your feelings,
- the action you suggest, and
- the reason for it.
For example, if you feel strongly that the committee should rotate leadership of meetings, then you might say, “To share the work and to get to know each other better, what if we took turns leading the meetings?
Of course I’d enjoy hearing other suggestions from you about how we might make our new team work as positively, and productively as possible when we get together.”
Remember America's national motto for guidance, E pluribus unum: From many voices, one better decision.
Learn How to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable http://sayitbetter.com/store/merchant.mv?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=HTD&Category_Code=T2F
or to negotiate http://sayitbetter.com/store/merchant.mv?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=HTD&Category_Code=T2F
or to make meetings work better http://sayitbetter.com/store/merchant.mv?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=HTM&Category_Code=T2F
or to be heard, like and supported
http://sayitbetter.com/store/merchant.mv?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=LE&Category_Code=KP
Also peruse these articles on conflict resolution http://www.sayitbetter.com/articles.html#conflict_resolution.
and on connecting with others http://www.sayitbetter.com/articles.html#connecting
